Do you ever say something and then immediately wish you could hit the rewind button and take it back? Well, I do it all the time. You'd think that by the ripe ol' age of 34 I'd have learned to control my mouth, but unfortunately I haven't. I try! I really do. Sometimes though, when I have a lot on my mind (which is pretty much all the time lately) my mouth gets ahead of my brain and things fall out of it before I can stop them. It's like my brain boils over and the thoughts have no where else to go besides out my mouth.
Last night, for instance... To my good friends who got more than they needed or wanted to know on the way home from cooking class, I am very sorry! I don't know where that came from or why it came out of my mouth just then. But you didn't need to hear it, and I do apologize. Thank you for being patient with me these last few months. I know it's hard to understand and that I'm not easy to be around sometimes. But I know you are all trying and I truly appreciate that.
Hopefully I can keep my mouth from getting away from me like that again. And if I do slip up, just know that I'm searching for that rewind button as fast as I can.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
My child's name
The mention of my child's name
may bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
let me hear the beautiful
music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart
and sings to my soul.
~ Author Unknown
Some friends of mine put together an amazingly beautiful quilt for me after Makelle died. Each square of the quilt holds a thought or a quote, and the names of many dear friends who love us and hold us in their hearts. Since they are all scattered throughout the world, the quilt was a way for them to come together in their love for us and to give us comfort during our time of heartache. I often wrap myself in the quilt and imagine their loving arms around me.
The poem above is just one of my favorite thoughts from the quilt. I love to hear my daughter's name. Makelle Adeline. Sometime I'll post the story of how she came to have such a beautiful name.
My daughter is real. She deserves to be remembered and recognized. Thank you to all my sweet friends who aren't afraid to speak her name.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The Look
I caught the look again today.
I took the kids to our weekly movie (we signed up for the weekly $1 movies for the summer) and while we were waiting in line, I ran in to a friend I hadn't seen for several months. I would have loved to have spent a few minutes catching up with her, chatting about our kids and anything else that came up. Instead, we exchanged a quick "hello, how are you?" and I watched as her eyes dropped to my stomach... and then came "the look".
"The look" is the confusion that crosses the face of someone who obviously hasn't heard that our baby has died. It's the look on their face that says they want to ask, but aren't sure what to ask.
I never know how to respond to the look. It always catches me off guard so I just don't say anything at all. But it stabs at my heart. Am I betraying my daughter by not saying anything? Or will I completley scare and shock people if I do say something? I don't know.
I don't like the look.
I took the kids to our weekly movie (we signed up for the weekly $1 movies for the summer) and while we were waiting in line, I ran in to a friend I hadn't seen for several months. I would have loved to have spent a few minutes catching up with her, chatting about our kids and anything else that came up. Instead, we exchanged a quick "hello, how are you?" and I watched as her eyes dropped to my stomach... and then came "the look".
"The look" is the confusion that crosses the face of someone who obviously hasn't heard that our baby has died. It's the look on their face that says they want to ask, but aren't sure what to ask.
I never know how to respond to the look. It always catches me off guard so I just don't say anything at all. But it stabs at my heart. Am I betraying my daughter by not saying anything? Or will I completley scare and shock people if I do say something? I don't know.
I don't like the look.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Sisters
My living daughters are 5 years apart in age. They've never really spent much time just playing together. In fact, they've spent an awful lot of time over the years bickering with each other. Five years is a pretty big gap. And when you're 11 years old, little sisters are pests. (I know. My sister is 4 years younger than me.)
Maegan, my 6 year old, has often come to me in tears because her sister refuses to play with her. And my oldest daughter, McKenzi, has complained quite frequently that her little sister just won't leave her alone.
Not long after we told the kids about the new baby on the way, Maegan came to me upset that her sister had told her to get out of her room, again. "Mom", she said. "I'm going to be a good big sister. And when the baby wants me to play with her, I'm going to. And I'm going to help change her diapers, and dress her. And I'll read books to her and help feed her. I know how to be a good sister to the baby." (Just a note, we didn't know yet that we were having a girl.)
Maegan was so sweet and sincere in her resolve to be the best big sister she could to this new little one. She knew how much it hurt when her own big sister snubbed her. And with a heart full of love and compassion for a baby sister who wasn't even born yet, she was already making plans for their future as sisters.
That was before.
Makelle would have been 6 years younger than Maegan. And if she has given one gift to her sisters, it is the gift of love. A precious and tender love that has awakened in both of them over the last few months. I'm sure that losing their baby sister has opened their eyes to not only what they are missing, but what they have right in front of them. I've watched as McKenzi has blossomed and grown drastically in the recent months, into the "good big sister" that Maegan was planning to be for Makelle. Suddenly, she is patient with her. She reads to her. She helps her with her workbook and chores. She's the first to give her a good morning hug every day. And she takes her to her room each night to help her say her prayers.
Don't get me wrong. It's not all perfect. They still argue at times. But the difference in the way they are with each other is amazing.
Yesterday, they spent the entire afternoon playing "horses" together. McKenzi was the horse and Maegan, the lucky rider. They romped around the backyard and through the house for hours, Maegan's jump rope tied around her horse's middle (because Mom won't let them tie it around her neck, obviously), laughing and having a grand time. Maegan even hitched her "horse" to the wagon for a quick ride around the back patio.
I love to see my girls play together and love each other. But my heart aches, knowing that one of my girls is missing.
Thank you for bringing us so much love Makelle. We miss you little sister.
Maegan, my 6 year old, has often come to me in tears because her sister refuses to play with her. And my oldest daughter, McKenzi, has complained quite frequently that her little sister just won't leave her alone.
Not long after we told the kids about the new baby on the way, Maegan came to me upset that her sister had told her to get out of her room, again. "Mom", she said. "I'm going to be a good big sister. And when the baby wants me to play with her, I'm going to. And I'm going to help change her diapers, and dress her. And I'll read books to her and help feed her. I know how to be a good sister to the baby." (Just a note, we didn't know yet that we were having a girl.)
Maegan was so sweet and sincere in her resolve to be the best big sister she could to this new little one. She knew how much it hurt when her own big sister snubbed her. And with a heart full of love and compassion for a baby sister who wasn't even born yet, she was already making plans for their future as sisters.
That was before.
Makelle would have been 6 years younger than Maegan. And if she has given one gift to her sisters, it is the gift of love. A precious and tender love that has awakened in both of them over the last few months. I'm sure that losing their baby sister has opened their eyes to not only what they are missing, but what they have right in front of them. I've watched as McKenzi has blossomed and grown drastically in the recent months, into the "good big sister" that Maegan was planning to be for Makelle. Suddenly, she is patient with her. She reads to her. She helps her with her workbook and chores. She's the first to give her a good morning hug every day. And she takes her to her room each night to help her say her prayers.
Don't get me wrong. It's not all perfect. They still argue at times. But the difference in the way they are with each other is amazing.
Yesterday, they spent the entire afternoon playing "horses" together. McKenzi was the horse and Maegan, the lucky rider. They romped around the backyard and through the house for hours, Maegan's jump rope tied around her horse's middle (because Mom won't let them tie it around her neck, obviously), laughing and having a grand time. Maegan even hitched her "horse" to the wagon for a quick ride around the back patio.
I love to see my girls play together and love each other. But my heart aches, knowing that one of my girls is missing.
Thank you for bringing us so much love Makelle. We miss you little sister.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Summer time
I love summer. I love having my children home with me. I love the freedom and playfulness we enjoy during the summer. And I think my children are giving me just the distraction I need right now.
We're settling nicely into our summer routine of workbooks, reading time and chores. I have such amazing and helpful children. I've set a few goals for myself to work on this summer, too. 1- Teach Maegan (6 yrs old) to ride her two-wheeler. 2- Help Kaleb (9 yrs) overcome his fear of being hit by the ball when he's up to bat. 3- Work with Kayson (7 yrs) to perfect his already amazing pitching arm. And 4- find a seriously yummy (ok, at this point we'd settle for just edible) milk-free sugar cookie recipe for McKenzi (11) and I to bake together.
Here's how things are going so far...
Maegan and I have had 2 sessions on the back patio with her bike that left mom completely exhausted and Mae rarin' for more. lol After criss-crossing the patio over and over and over again, she's finally realized that mom is not going to let go of her. I think she's gaining confidence. It's a start!
I'm not sure what to do to help Kaleb... still working on that one.
We bought a metal trash can for Kayson to practice pitching into. He loves the loud CLANG sound it makes when he nails a pitch. I paced off the distance for him and we love trying to "out-pitch" each other. I'll be the first to admit that he beats me every time! What fun!
McKenzi and I haven't given up hope on finding the perfect milk-free sugar cookie recipe. Our latest attempt last weekend was... well, let's just skip that part. lol We had fun trying, and that's the point anyway. What is it about sugar cookies that just seems to require milk? (FYI, McKenzi and Kayson are both allergic to milk.) So the quest continues. Though I am extremely challenged when it comes to baking/cooking, my assistant - aka McKenzi - is not! She loves to spend time creating in the kitchen and I love spending time with her. So even if it takes us years to figure this out, it will be time well spent.
I'm so grateful for each of my children and their unique and wonderful personalities. They each have so much to teach us. I'm glad for the extra time we have to spend together while school is out... playing, growing, learning, and having loads of fun!
We're settling nicely into our summer routine of workbooks, reading time and chores. I have such amazing and helpful children. I've set a few goals for myself to work on this summer, too. 1- Teach Maegan (6 yrs old) to ride her two-wheeler. 2- Help Kaleb (9 yrs) overcome his fear of being hit by the ball when he's up to bat. 3- Work with Kayson (7 yrs) to perfect his already amazing pitching arm. And 4- find a seriously yummy (ok, at this point we'd settle for just edible) milk-free sugar cookie recipe for McKenzi (11) and I to bake together.
Here's how things are going so far...
Maegan and I have had 2 sessions on the back patio with her bike that left mom completely exhausted and Mae rarin' for more. lol After criss-crossing the patio over and over and over again, she's finally realized that mom is not going to let go of her. I think she's gaining confidence. It's a start!
I'm not sure what to do to help Kaleb... still working on that one.
We bought a metal trash can for Kayson to practice pitching into. He loves the loud CLANG sound it makes when he nails a pitch. I paced off the distance for him and we love trying to "out-pitch" each other. I'll be the first to admit that he beats me every time! What fun!
McKenzi and I haven't given up hope on finding the perfect milk-free sugar cookie recipe. Our latest attempt last weekend was... well, let's just skip that part. lol We had fun trying, and that's the point anyway. What is it about sugar cookies that just seems to require milk? (FYI, McKenzi and Kayson are both allergic to milk.) So the quest continues. Though I am extremely challenged when it comes to baking/cooking, my assistant - aka McKenzi - is not! She loves to spend time creating in the kitchen and I love spending time with her. So even if it takes us years to figure this out, it will be time well spent.
I'm so grateful for each of my children and their unique and wonderful personalities. They each have so much to teach us. I'm glad for the extra time we have to spend together while school is out... playing, growing, learning, and having loads of fun!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
3 months
Happy 3 month angel day baby girl. I miss you so much.
Today was a puffy-eyed, head-throbbing, cry-your-heart-out kind of day. I think I needed a good cry though. I've been holding it in for a long time. Too long, I guess. Sure, I've let a few tears slip out now and then. But mostly I think I've been just toughing through everything for the last few weeks, and it's slowly been building up. I cried more today than I have in weeks.
I know I'm not alone in my pain. And I know that time will heal my heart. But tonight it hurts. Tonight I am on my knees pleading with my Savior to lift me up and carry me. Tonight I am weak. My mind wants to cry out in anger and doubt, "Why did you let this happen!? Why did you take her from us!?" Sometimes it's hard to understand why a loving Father in Heaven would let his children hurt this way. I'm grateful that He is understanding and patient, because I have told him many times how things were supposed to be. How she was supposed to be here, with her family. But His plan is perfect. God doesn't make mistakes. As hard as it is, I have to put my faith in that.
So tonight my heart clings to the promises made. The promise of an eternal family. The promise that she is still ours and that someday I will hold her again and never let her go. Tonight I ask for the strength to make it through just one more day. To hold on to hope. To trust that someday we will know what God knows. Someday...
Today was a puffy-eyed, head-throbbing, cry-your-heart-out kind of day. I think I needed a good cry though. I've been holding it in for a long time. Too long, I guess. Sure, I've let a few tears slip out now and then. But mostly I think I've been just toughing through everything for the last few weeks, and it's slowly been building up. I cried more today than I have in weeks.
I know I'm not alone in my pain. And I know that time will heal my heart. But tonight it hurts. Tonight I am on my knees pleading with my Savior to lift me up and carry me. Tonight I am weak. My mind wants to cry out in anger and doubt, "Why did you let this happen!? Why did you take her from us!?" Sometimes it's hard to understand why a loving Father in Heaven would let his children hurt this way. I'm grateful that He is understanding and patient, because I have told him many times how things were supposed to be. How she was supposed to be here, with her family. But His plan is perfect. God doesn't make mistakes. As hard as it is, I have to put my faith in that.
So tonight my heart clings to the promises made. The promise of an eternal family. The promise that she is still ours and that someday I will hold her again and never let her go. Tonight I ask for the strength to make it through just one more day. To hold on to hope. To trust that someday we will know what God knows. Someday...
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