Firsts

"The first *fill in the blank* is the hardest." I've heard that dozens of times. The problem is, there are so many "firsts" to get through! The first night at home without my baby girl. The first day as the mother of an angel. The first week. The first month anniversary. The first Mother's Day. The first awkward questions from people who knew I was pregnant, but didn't know our baby girl has gone home to Heaven. The first time I was asked the dreaded question, "how many kids do you have?". The first baby blessing at church (I still can't sit through them). I could go on and on. And there are many more still to face... my due date being the one I'm dreading the most.

I survived a few of them last weekend though. We did take the kids to the zoo and I actually did ok! Even visiting the giraffe house wasn't as hard as I'd thought it would be. We had a lot of fun and since it was a rainy day, the zoo wasn't very crowded and the animals were very active. I'm glad we went. So... first trip back to the zoo, I can check that one off the list.

It was also our first visit back to Makelle's grave since the funeral. I was even more nervous for this than I was about the zoo! I was so worried that we wouldn't be able to find her plot. It isn't marked and that's really been bothering me lately. Luckily, the grass hasn't completely grown back in so it was very obvious where she is. KC and I studied her plot in relation to his grandmother's (Makelle is burried just next to her) so we should be able to find it easily now, even when the grass does grow back completely. Still, I hope we can save up the money to buy her grave marker soon. We placed a simple wreath of flowers on her grave and spent a few minutes talking about how much we miss her and how different life is from what we had planned. The gray skies and rain matched our moods. But I'm glad we went.

And tomorrow I will face yet another "first". This is a first I'm actually looking forward to though. KC and I will be going to the temple for the first time since losing Makelle. I long to be in the temple again, and to close out the busy world and chaos that surrounds us every day. I yearn to feel my Heavenly Father's love and the peace He promises. I catch small glimpses at times, but with so many other distractions running my days it's hard to let that feeling envelope me the way I want it to. So if you don't mind, I'm going to ask for your prayers. Please pray that KC and I can make it to the temple tomorrow as planned (I know the adversary will be working in his own ways to keep us from going, but we ARE going) and that we will be able to spend the time we need soaking in the loving peace and eternal promises of our Father in Heaven.

Of all the difficult "firsts" we've faced and have yet to face, I'm grateful that we have this one good "first" to look forward to.

Memories

We're planning to take the kids to the zoo on Memorial Day. Our family zoo pass expires at the end of May so we want to use it one more time. We've talked about going for weeks, but it's been hard to fit it in with our chaotic schedule. In a way I've been glad for the excuse to put it off. I'm nervous about this outing and the memories it's going to bring to the surface.

I keep replaying a memory in my mind from a few months ago. February 18, 2008... we took the kids to Hogle Zoo. There was a new baby giraffe and it was so adorably cute. The kids watched it stretching and licking the fence while I took a dozen or so pictures. After a few minutes I realized they weren’t watching the giraffe anymore. I turned around to find all 4 of them gathered around a stroller talking and playing with a little baby, about 6 months old. It was so sweet. At almost the same time, the baby’s mother turned around and noticed my kids. She gave a little chuckle and smiled at me with a bit of a confused look on her face. Afterall, isn’t a baby giraffe much more exciting than her baby girl? I laughed and told her that they love babies and are very excited for our new baby. She congratulated me and let my kids play with her baby for a few more minutes before leaving.

Oh what a bittersweet memory. That was just 11 days before Makelle died. I still remember how happy I was to be sharing my kids’ joy, and MY joy, with a complete stranger. If only I’d known... if only I'd known.

That memory haunted me for weeks after Makelle was born. I tried and tried to push it to the back of my mind, desperate to forget. I have so many other memories like this one. They tormented me and hurt so deeply when I let myself remember them. I just kept shoving them down deep inside, doing everything I could to bury them and the pain they bring.

But I can't hide from them anymore. I've realized that's all I have of my daughter now... memories of the time we spent together. The only chance I had to be a parent to Makelle in this life was during the 5 months she spent growing inside me. So as much as they hurt I'm forcing myself to bring them all back, making myself write them down, and letting myself cherish the memories I've been running from.

Forget-Me-Not

I've always loved forget-me-nots. They are so tiny, delicate and soft. Just like my angel.



My Mother's Day present finally arrived. I actually picked it out and ordered it myself, but that's ok. I loved this pendant the minute I saw it. The forget-me-not flower has always been a favorite of mine, but even more so now. The gems are aqua for Makelle's angel day (March 1, 2008) and ruby for her due date (July 6, 2008).

Forget me not

My little one
You have left us too soon
Though my body can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget

jewelry design, text and poetrycopyright 2005
Kimberly de Montbrunall rights reserved

Regrets

I told myself just after Makelle was born that I didn't want to have any regrets about our time with her, or our choice to bring her into our family. This was after many days and sleepless nights spent questioning our decision to have another baby after so many years, only to have her taken from us, while at the same time reliving every moment of my pregnancy and wondering if I'd done something that could possibly have caused her death. I know now that I don't regret our decision. And I know that my time with her was precious and I will always cherish it.

I will say though, that try as I might, I do have one regret. Just one. And that is that we didn't share Makelle with those who love us, and who love her, much sooner.

From the beginning, we decided that we would wait until well into my pregnancy before we shared our news with anyone. I think it was partly out of selfishness. We wanted to have this little life to ourselves for a time. And it was partly out of fear. Fear for what lay ahead because of a difficult pregnancy and very early delivery with our fourth child. And partly, I think, because we didn't want to be judged. We knew our families would be worried for us, and possibly even think we were crazy for having another baby, after what we had gone through with our daughter, Maegan. We weren't anxious for those looks of concern, for the comments about how many years there would be between this baby and Maegan (more than 6 years). While we knew their hearts were in the right place, we didn't want our families or friends to worry over us through the entire pregnancy. And so we waited.

It was fun at the time, to have "our little secret". KC and I thought we were being so sneaky, making up silly code words so we could talk about this new little person in front of others without giving anything away. At times, the children would make comments about babies, or point out babies, or wish aloud that we could have a baby (all things they have done for many years) and KC and I would just smile at each other. It wasn't easy to hide the morning sickness, or the exhaustion. And after a while, it got more and more difficult to hide my growing tummy. Around 17-18 weeks we decided that the baggy sweatshirts and big sweaters weren't going to cut it much longer, so we finally broke the news to our families and friends.

The night we told our children about their soon to be baby brother or sister (we didn't know until she was born that Makelle was a girl) is a memory I will forever cherish. Because our kids are older and there hasn't been a baby in our home for years, they have all talked about having another baby many, many times. We've always taken the "we'll see" approach with the topic.

We decided to tell the kids one night after family prayer when I was about 17.5 weeks along. I will never forget those moments, watching their expressions change from confusion, to comprehension, to sheer and utter joy. I don't think I have ever seen my children as happy as they were that night. I thought my heart would burst with happiness at seeing them so delighted. When I unzipped my overly large hoodie they all quickly gathered around me to place their hands on my round belly. Maegan kissed my tummy and couldn't seem to get enough of caressing and touching me where her new little sibling was growing. They were completely giddy with excitement. They talked about whether we would have a boy or a girl. They discussed what we might name the baby. They planned what toys they wanted to give to the baby. They even tried to outdo each other with who would teach the baby to read, ride a bike, catch a ball, and all the wonderful imaginings their little minds could come up with. In all of their lives, I don't think I've ever seen my children so happy.

During that week, we began to share our exciting news with everyone around us. Most were excited for us. Many were concerned. If only we'd known that in just 4 short weeks, we'd be saying good-bye to our precious baby girl, we would never have kept her to ourselves for so long. Just as our families were getting used to the idea of another little person joining us, she was taken back to our heavenly home.

And while my heart will forever cherish the memories we built with our children during those 4 weeks of loving and getting to know Makelle together as a family, so is the memory of the saddest time in my children's lives etched in my mind forever. As we gathered our children to tell them that their baby sister wasn't going to be able to stay with us in this life, as I watched their tears fall, and as I held them each close to me and cried with them, my heart hurt as it has never hurt before. My children, as young and tender as they are, have tasted true sorrow.

I know that without the sorrow, there could be no happiness. Without the pain, there would be no joy. Our sadness is born of love. Love for our daughter and love for each other. Because we love Makelle so deeply, our hearts grieve just as deeply for her. It is because of love that we grieve, and because of love, also, that we are comforted in our sorrow.

So my only regret is not having shared Makelle's life with everyone sooner.

I will never regret my daughter. I will never regret the 22 weeks I was blessed to have her growing inside me. Nor will I ever regret the choice we made to make her a part of our family. I know it was the right decision. I know she is and always will be ours. I long for the day when I can hold her in my arms again, kiss her soft cheeks, and know that she is mine forever.

Mother's Day

I survived my first Mother's Day as the mother of an angel. Surviving is good, right? It was harder than I thought it would be. I was warned by several friends who've walked this path ahead of me that it would probably be a hard day. I didn't really know what to expect though. What I got was a whole lot of missing my baby girl.

Mother's Day has never been a big deal to me. My kids are always writing me little notes, making me cards and pictures, and telling me that they love me. I don't need a special day set aside for the things they do for me all the time. I tried to be cheerful for my kids because it's a fun day for them. But inside my heart was aching.

I'm still not used to all the bumps, twists and turns this journey brings. I go along for days at a time doing pretty well. Then suddenly, something throws me a curve. Sometimes it's something big, like my good friend giving birth to her 5th baby, knowing I would have been next . Sometimes it's something small, like coming across the only outfit I bought for Makelle while packing away my winter clothes. I hope that someday those bumps and turns won't jar me quite so much.

66 days

66 days. Nine and a half weeks. Just over 2 months. Isn't it strange how saying it different ways can make it seem both longer and shorter, even though it's all the same amount of time? 66 days sounds so short, hardly any time at all. 2 months seems so long. Or maybe it's the other way around. Has it really been 2 months? It's gone by too fast. Yet it's dragged by painfully slow, too. I wake up every morning and count one more day. Sometimes I wonder if I will always count the days. In a way, I hope I will. I'm afraid for the day when I forget to count.

It's been 66 days since my world fell apart. Nine and a half weeks since my heart was shattered. Just over 2 months since my beautiful daughter went home to Heaven.

This blog has been a long time coming. I've had so many thoughts rolling around in my head for the last 66 days. I'm starting to feel like I'll lose them if I don't start writing them down somewhere. I'm keeping a written journal. A lot of the same thoughts have found their way there. But these are the thoughts I need to share. These are the feelings I need to make known. To who? I don't know. To anyone who wants to read them, I suppose. To you, since you're here now.

So I'll warn you. This blog won't be pretty. It will likely be a train wreck of all the emotions and thoughts I've struggled to make sense of for 66 days (and counting). I've never had a desire before to start a blog. Writing doesn't come easy for me. Never has. I don't enjoy it either. But like it or not, this is a journey I must take and if you're willing to come along for the ride, I'm glad to have you.