Firsts

"The first *fill in the blank* is the hardest." I've heard that dozens of times. The problem is, there are so many "firsts" to get through! The first night at home without my baby girl. The first day as the mother of an angel. The first week. The first month anniversary. The first Mother's Day. The first awkward questions from people who knew I was pregnant, but didn't know our baby girl has gone home to Heaven. The first time I was asked the dreaded question, "how many kids do you have?". The first baby blessing at church (I still can't sit through them). I could go on and on. And there are many more still to face... my due date being the one I'm dreading the most.

I survived a few of them last weekend though. We did take the kids to the zoo and I actually did ok! Even visiting the giraffe house wasn't as hard as I'd thought it would be. We had a lot of fun and since it was a rainy day, the zoo wasn't very crowded and the animals were very active. I'm glad we went. So... first trip back to the zoo, I can check that one off the list.

It was also our first visit back to Makelle's grave since the funeral. I was even more nervous for this than I was about the zoo! I was so worried that we wouldn't be able to find her plot. It isn't marked and that's really been bothering me lately. Luckily, the grass hasn't completely grown back in so it was very obvious where she is. KC and I studied her plot in relation to his grandmother's (Makelle is burried just next to her) so we should be able to find it easily now, even when the grass does grow back completely. Still, I hope we can save up the money to buy her grave marker soon. We placed a simple wreath of flowers on her grave and spent a few minutes talking about how much we miss her and how different life is from what we had planned. The gray skies and rain matched our moods. But I'm glad we went.

And tomorrow I will face yet another "first". This is a first I'm actually looking forward to though. KC and I will be going to the temple for the first time since losing Makelle. I long to be in the temple again, and to close out the busy world and chaos that surrounds us every day. I yearn to feel my Heavenly Father's love and the peace He promises. I catch small glimpses at times, but with so many other distractions running my days it's hard to let that feeling envelope me the way I want it to. So if you don't mind, I'm going to ask for your prayers. Please pray that KC and I can make it to the temple tomorrow as planned (I know the adversary will be working in his own ways to keep us from going, but we ARE going) and that we will be able to spend the time we need soaking in the loving peace and eternal promises of our Father in Heaven.

Of all the difficult "firsts" we've faced and have yet to face, I'm grateful that we have this one good "first" to look forward to.