Regrets

I told myself just after Makelle was born that I didn't want to have any regrets about our time with her, or our choice to bring her into our family. This was after many days and sleepless nights spent questioning our decision to have another baby after so many years, only to have her taken from us, while at the same time reliving every moment of my pregnancy and wondering if I'd done something that could possibly have caused her death. I know now that I don't regret our decision. And I know that my time with her was precious and I will always cherish it.

I will say though, that try as I might, I do have one regret. Just one. And that is that we didn't share Makelle with those who love us, and who love her, much sooner.

From the beginning, we decided that we would wait until well into my pregnancy before we shared our news with anyone. I think it was partly out of selfishness. We wanted to have this little life to ourselves for a time. And it was partly out of fear. Fear for what lay ahead because of a difficult pregnancy and very early delivery with our fourth child. And partly, I think, because we didn't want to be judged. We knew our families would be worried for us, and possibly even think we were crazy for having another baby, after what we had gone through with our daughter, Maegan. We weren't anxious for those looks of concern, for the comments about how many years there would be between this baby and Maegan (more than 6 years). While we knew their hearts were in the right place, we didn't want our families or friends to worry over us through the entire pregnancy. And so we waited.

It was fun at the time, to have "our little secret". KC and I thought we were being so sneaky, making up silly code words so we could talk about this new little person in front of others without giving anything away. At times, the children would make comments about babies, or point out babies, or wish aloud that we could have a baby (all things they have done for many years) and KC and I would just smile at each other. It wasn't easy to hide the morning sickness, or the exhaustion. And after a while, it got more and more difficult to hide my growing tummy. Around 17-18 weeks we decided that the baggy sweatshirts and big sweaters weren't going to cut it much longer, so we finally broke the news to our families and friends.

The night we told our children about their soon to be baby brother or sister (we didn't know until she was born that Makelle was a girl) is a memory I will forever cherish. Because our kids are older and there hasn't been a baby in our home for years, they have all talked about having another baby many, many times. We've always taken the "we'll see" approach with the topic.

We decided to tell the kids one night after family prayer when I was about 17.5 weeks along. I will never forget those moments, watching their expressions change from confusion, to comprehension, to sheer and utter joy. I don't think I have ever seen my children as happy as they were that night. I thought my heart would burst with happiness at seeing them so delighted. When I unzipped my overly large hoodie they all quickly gathered around me to place their hands on my round belly. Maegan kissed my tummy and couldn't seem to get enough of caressing and touching me where her new little sibling was growing. They were completely giddy with excitement. They talked about whether we would have a boy or a girl. They discussed what we might name the baby. They planned what toys they wanted to give to the baby. They even tried to outdo each other with who would teach the baby to read, ride a bike, catch a ball, and all the wonderful imaginings their little minds could come up with. In all of their lives, I don't think I've ever seen my children so happy.

During that week, we began to share our exciting news with everyone around us. Most were excited for us. Many were concerned. If only we'd known that in just 4 short weeks, we'd be saying good-bye to our precious baby girl, we would never have kept her to ourselves for so long. Just as our families were getting used to the idea of another little person joining us, she was taken back to our heavenly home.

And while my heart will forever cherish the memories we built with our children during those 4 weeks of loving and getting to know Makelle together as a family, so is the memory of the saddest time in my children's lives etched in my mind forever. As we gathered our children to tell them that their baby sister wasn't going to be able to stay with us in this life, as I watched their tears fall, and as I held them each close to me and cried with them, my heart hurt as it has never hurt before. My children, as young and tender as they are, have tasted true sorrow.

I know that without the sorrow, there could be no happiness. Without the pain, there would be no joy. Our sadness is born of love. Love for our daughter and love for each other. Because we love Makelle so deeply, our hearts grieve just as deeply for her. It is because of love that we grieve, and because of love, also, that we are comforted in our sorrow.

So my only regret is not having shared Makelle's life with everyone sooner.

I will never regret my daughter. I will never regret the 22 weeks I was blessed to have her growing inside me. Nor will I ever regret the choice we made to make her a part of our family. I know it was the right decision. I know she is and always will be ours. I long for the day when I can hold her in my arms again, kiss her soft cheeks, and know that she is mine forever.