Giving Thanks

I meant for this post to be a Thanksgiving post, but time seems to have gotten away from me. I've been very busy planning a super secret surprise for the kids for Christmas (more on that in a future post).

Better late than never though, right?

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving, relaxing and enjoying the company of family. We have so many reasons to be grateful this year. I couldn't possibly express in words how blessed we feel. We are truly thankful for all that we have learned and all we have been given this past year.

An update on my pregnancy... I am 20 weeks along now. We've reached the half way point!

The day before Thanksgiving, we had our "big" ultrasound. I'll admit, I was a basket case for a few days leading up to the appointment. I had so much anxiety. I couldn't stop myself from imagining up all the horrible things they could possibly find wrong.

You see, it was at our 18 week ultrasound with Makelle that they found the problem which eventually led to her death. Though at the time, even the Perinatologist (high risk doctor) didn't know what it was she was looking at. We were sent home with instructions to "try not to worry" and to come back in four weeks for another ultrasound. Makelle died just a few days before that next ultrasound. So I'm sure you can understand why I was so stressed out for this appointment.

As it turns out, there was no reason to worry. Our baby is 100% healthy and everything appeared perfect. What a huge relief!

I'm not completely worry-free because I'm all too aware that things can change at the drop of a hat. There are still so many things that could go wrong. But at least I know that for now, our little one is growing and developing and doing everything right on schedule. And so while I'm still taking things one day at a time, and still praying almost non-stop that Heavenly Father will let this little person stay with us, I do have a bit more hope that we might just make it to the end of this journey with a live, perfect little baby.

For those who are dying to know... yes, we did find out what we're having. I normally prefer to be surprised at delivery, but this time I felt that I needed to know ahead of time and prepare myself for the possibility of a baby boy. While I know in my heart I would love this baby no matter what the gender, I had also felt very strongly for years that we were supposed to have one more little girl. So with that in mind, when we found out we were pregnant with Makelle, I just knew she was a girl. Some time after she died, it hit me that if we were going to try for another baby, there was a good chance that baby would be a boy.

Honestly, I would be grateful for a boy or a girl! I don't want this to come across the wrong way. In the end, a healthy, live baby is the only thing that's important. It's just that I had my heart set on that little girl for so long (nearly SIX years!)... trying to change that mindset in such a short time was really difficult for me. I struggled with feeling guilty, and I felt petty and selfish for wanting another girl so badly. I knew I'd be sad if we did find out we're having a boy. But I didn't WANT to feel sad! I shouldn't feel sad as long as this baby is healthy, right? What kind of horrible person am I that I would even care one way or the other, when all that really matters is that the baby is healthy?!

So I literally convinced myself that this baby was a boy. I told myself every day that we were having a boy and that was ok. I thought of all the fun we would have with a baby boy in the house, and all the wonderful "boy things" his brothers could teach him. By the day of the ultrasound, I was 95% sure they would tell us we are having a boy. And by then I really felt like I was ok with it.

Except that I was 100% WRONG!

Here's the latest picture of our little princess!!



And just for fun (she'll probably hate me for this some day)...



We actually decided to have a little fun with it and instead of just letting the ultrasound tech tell us the baby's gender, we had her print the picture and put it in an envelope for us. Then KC and I went out to lunch where we opened it. I can't even begin to tell you how shocked I was. He told me afterward that he will never forget the look on my face when I saw that picture.

Obviously the most important blessing of the day was that our baby is healthy, and so far we have no reason to believe that will change. But when you add to that the surprise of a beautiful baby girl... it was almost too much for my poor frazzled emotions to take. The gentlemen at the table across from ours must have thought something was seriously wrong when I let out a very loud gasp, practically fell out of my chair, and then started to cry! LOL!

I'm honestly almost hesitant to post this because I don't want anyone to think that the baby's gender was more important to me than her health. I know that the minute this baby is screaming in my arms, I wouldn't care one bit whether it was a boy or a girl. I would love this little one no matter what. I guess I'll just post it and hope that my thoughts came out the way I meant for them to.

I hope you are all having a wonderful Holiday season. This is my favorite time of year. Celebrating the birth of our Savior means so much more to me this year than it ever has.

It will be our first Christmas missing Makelle. But right now my heart is too full of love and gratitude to be sad. I have been truly blessed, and I feel so honored to be the mother of an angel... a perfect little girl. One who was so righteous and good, she didn't need to go through the trials and temptations that we all face here in this life. One who was called back home to fulfill a very important mission that only she could. One who is waiting for me and our family to join her someday. I only pray that I can live my life worthy of that blessing.

Many thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers, and Happy Holidays!!