I'm here... sort of

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging lately. Morning sickness is kicking my behind.

Yup, you read that right. We are thrilled to be expecting again!

KC and I are hopeful and very excited. But there is also quite a bit of fear and anxiety lurking in the back of our minds right now. I sure wish that fear would just go away. But something tells me it's going to be hanging around for the next 7 months or so at least.

I am happy to report that for now, everything is going very well. According to my first ultrasound last week, our little one is due April 27, 2009, which means I am about 9 1/2 weeks right now. When I was pregnant with Makelle, the morning sickness (HA! Who ever came up with that name has obviously never been pregnant) started to get better at about 13-14 weeks, which is actually not the norm for me. With all my others I was sick until 22 weeks and even beyond! So I'm hoping this one will follow Makelle's trend and go easy on me. I'd love to be feeling better by Halloween!

Here's a picture of our little bean.



This pregnancy has brought out an entirely new host of emotions that were somewhat unexpected for me. I knew I'd be feeling scared. I was prepared for the anxiety and apprehension. But what about the guilt? I never expected that.

Part of me feels guilty for letting someone else move into Makelle's "place" inside me. She was to be our last child. Her time spent growing in my womb was so precious and dear to me. Am I betraying her memory by letting someone else have that place for a time?

Part of me feels guilty for the time I spend dwelling on thoughts of this new life I'm carrying, instead of thinking about my precious daughter who is waiting for me. Sometimes I've found that almost the entire day has passed and not once have I thought about Makelle. Instead my mind has been busy thinking about this new baby. I know I could never forget my angel. But I don't want to let a day go by without thinking about her and telling her how much I love and miss her. And while I know no one could ever take her place in my heart, I don't want this new life to take her place in my mind either.

And then there's a touch of denial. If I didn't feel so sick all the time, I'd probably swear up and down this pregnancy isn't happening. What's that all about!? I think it's a defense mechanism. Deep down, I am terrified to get attached to this baby. Of course, it's too late. I'm already in love. But I tell myself not to think about the future too much. Things can change in an instant and I shouldn't get my hopes up. I learned that the hard way last time. I won't let myself think beyond this week, or next month, or heaven forbid next April. I can't think about names, or baby clothes, or car seats. I can't plan. I can't make lists. I cringe when my kids talk about "the new baby". It shouldn't be this way. But it is.

Maybe I sound crazy. I know a lot of people think we are crazy. Crazy for trying again. Crazy for taking this risk after two horrible pregnancy experiences. Crazy for wanting another child when our youngest is already 6 years old.

But are we crazy for having faith? Are we crazy for trusting that the Lord knows what's best for us?

Please know that we are doing what we feel is right for our family. We spent countless hours in prayer, pleading to know which path we should take. And while we can't see the end of that path, we do believe that no matter the outcome, we are on the correct path for us right now.

So now is the time when I ask for your prayers. Please pray for our little one. Please pray for my health, and for our peace of mind. We desperately need the support, love and prayers of our friends and families right now. We are scared. But we are hopeful. Every day brings us one day closer to holding our live, healthy, precious new son or daughter in our arms. And so for now that's how I'm living... one day at a time. One prayer at a time.

With hope,