First Day of School

The past few weeks have been incredibly busy. I don't know how I managed to get myself involved in so many things at once, but I'm finally seeing an end to the chaos... well, a lull anyway.

The kids started school last Thursday. (I'm sad because a lot of the pictures I took turned out blurry. I guess my hands were shaking a bit. I'm going to try and "recreate" the moments for some better pics though. lol)

The day turned out to be very bittersweet.

It was fun to see the kids so excited and anxious to meet their new teachers and see friends they'd missed over the summer. I walked them to school and dropped each of them off at their new classrooms. Maegan was especially excited to be starting 1st grade this year.

By the time I'd gotten them each settled in their classes, I'd heard the same comment (or a variation on the same) so many times I'd lost count. I was starting to think if I heard it one more time, I might just lose it right in the face of the person who said it.

"Wow, your kids are all in school now. Your a free woman!"

"What are you going to do with yourself now that they're all in school all day?"

"Isn't your youngest in first grade now? Lucky you!"

In my mind I was screaming...

"HELLO!?!? Don't you realize what you are saying!? I'm not lucky! I'm not free! I'm not supposed to be home alone all day. I'm supposed to be walking home from school with my 6 week old daughter snuggled in her sling. I'm supposed to be spending my days catching naps when she does, planning my errands around her feedings, listening to her coos and delighting in her first smiles."

Instead, I just nodded, smiled, choked back the tears, and walked home ... alone.

One of the most frustrating things about grief, I'm learning, is that it's practically impossible to grieve on my own terms. Just when I think I'm doing well, something gets thrown at me just like this. I might be having a perfectly good day, when suddenly something comes along and just rips at my heart.

Sometimes I feel like I'm at the mercy of my surroundings.

Things happen that are out of my control that send me spinning and wondering how I could possibly have let myself be happy for a time.

Society places a time limit on my grief, which for some reason correlates directly with how long I was pregnant. (As in, "you had an early miscarriage so you should only need to grieve for a week or two." Or "you had a mid-second trimester loss, so you get two months to grieve, no more." Or "you lost your baby at term, so you get 4 months and then you should be over it." You get the idea. Ridiculous!!)

Good people say dumb things, like "lucky you, all your kids are in school now."

Family and friends have expectations as to how I should be doing. They wonder when I will be back to "normal". They don't realize that this is normal now. I'm living a new normal, and I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

Makelle's 6 month angel birthday is coming up next week. I want to do something special for her, but I can't seem to come up with anything. I'd love any suggestions you'd like to share.

I am hoping to get a start on Makelle's story very soon. Thanks for sticking with me!